Every parent wants their child to feel capable. But the kind of praise we use quietly teaches children what we value — and that shapes what they do the next time something gets hard.
The problem with “you're so clever”
Talent praise tells a child that ability is fixed and already decided. It feels lovely in the moment, but it makes mistakes frightening: if being clever is who I am, then getting something wrong threatens who I am. Many children respond by choosing easier tasks so the label stays safe.
What effort praise does instead
Effort praise points at the thing the child controls — the trying, the strategy, the sticking with it. A child who is proud of trying can afford to get things wrong, because getting it wrong is part of the thing they are proud of.
Phrases to use this week
Keep them specific. Vague praise is easy to ignore.
- “You kept going when that got tricky.”
- “You tried three different ways.”
- “You asked for help — good idea.”
- “That took patience.”
- “You're not there, NOT YET — and you're closer than yesterday.”
Do it for yourself too
Children are listening when we talk about ourselves. Saying “I made a mess of that, I'll try again tomorrow” teaches more about resilience than any poster on the wall.
Small changes in wording, repeated daily, are what build a growth mindset in young children. Start with one phrase and use it until it's automatic.